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Dealing With a "Difficult" Person
(First published in the November 1999 issue of The IT Project Leader)
by Wayne Strider
I had a very tough time making my fingers type the title of this article. Putting quotes around the word "difficult" made it somewhat easier. I guess it's because in my heart I believe there is no such thing as a difficult person. "Not!" you may say. Ten years ago I would have agreed with you. But not now. I hope by the end of this article you will be open to at least reframing "difficult person" to "person I have difficulty with." There are lots of people I have difficulty with. But this is usually more about me than it is about them. I take responsibility for my difficulty with them.
Difficult Is an Interpretation
During the past ten years, I have been learning and borrowing ideas, models, tools, and techniques from the counseling body of knowledge (BOK). This BOK is just on the periphery of the IT management BOK and the organizational development BOK. One of those ideas is filters. The simplified diagram below illustrates how behavior from another person goes through filters and is then interpreted as difficult by me.
Some Examples of Filtering
I have my own personal filters. So does every other person. Furthermore, I have both input filters and output filters. I acquired most of my personal filters when I was around four years old. Here are some examples of my filters.
Input filters:
- Do what you say you will do filter--If you consistently fail to do what you tell me you'll do, this filter might kick in. This behavior is difficult for me. Eventually, I will find it hard to take you seriously.
- Loud, oppressive people filter--If I perceive you shouting me down and telling me my needs don't matter, this filter might kick in. This behavior is difficult for me. Eventually, I won't be in same room with you.
Output filters:
- Seen as helpful filter--I want to be seen as helpful. My understanding of what is helpful has changed dramatically over the past ten years. I used to inflict my help randomly on people whether they wanted it or not. Now I know much more about how to be a helpful person. At least now I first ask if any help is wanted. If the answer is no, I respect that. If the answer is yes, then I try to find out what would be helpful rather than assuming I know.
- Don't celebrate too much or too soon filter--When I really go for something and finally get it, this filter keeps me from expressing my joy, happiness, or excitement. I'm afraid if I do express my joy, the wonderful thing I got will go away, disappear, or be taken back.
Sometimes we may not hear all the words due to noise or other distractions--environmental filters. The entire meaning of a message may turn on one word, which, if missed, can result in a miscommunication. Even when we hear all the words, we can still sometimes hear one or more words inaccurately. For instance, the other person may say "can't," but I hear "can." Also, when communicating with people whose primary language is not the same as yours, spoken accents and choice of words can sometimes confuse the message.
Personality type filters can affect how we perceive others. For example, in meetings, people with a preference for introversion may find it difficult to get a word in edgewise with people who have a preference for extraversion. To "extraverts" it may look like the "introverts" aren't participating. To "introverts" it may look like the "extraverts" are participating too much.
Stereotyping filters can cause us to put a "hat" on someone. For example, I might remind you of someone from your past. If you start interacting with me as though I were that other person, you are putting that person's hat on me. Your expectations of me are filtered by that hat (good or bad)--and that can lead to trouble.
Trophies and Troubles of Filters
Some filters act like protective devices. They keep us from being flooded with data. They enable us to avoid uncomfortable situations. They enable us to deal quickly with people. In some ways, filters are like habits. Habits enable us to act automatically without thinking.
Some filters that protected me when I was four may not be appropriate now that I am 52. Yet those filters don't have automatic expiration dates. For example, I now know that not every apparently loud, oppressive person intends to harm me. I have discovered some really wonderful people who initially triggered that filter.
Filter Tips
- Try to identify your own personal filters. I have identified 49 of mine so far.
- Remember that "difficult" is an interpretation you make.
- Practice becoming aware of when your filters are being triggered. One way is to notice when you are reacting to a person in a way that seems out of proportion to what is happening. Often this strong reaction can be related to triggering one of your filters.
Identifying Your Filters
The first step is awareness. Practice becoming aware when your personal filters are being triggered. One way is to notice when you are reacting to a person in a way that seems out of proportion to what is happening. Often this strong reaction can be related to triggering one of your filters.
Keep a journal. Write in your journal each time you have an awareness of one of your filters being triggered. Try to put words to your filter as I have done with my input filter examples. Play around with the words. Your gut will tell you when you have them right.
Forgive yourself in advance for not being perfectly aware immediately. The awareness takes time and effort. In the beginning, the best you may be able to do is notice it after the fact. Eventually, with practice, you may be able to notice a filter being triggered in the moment.
Using Your Awareness to Change How You Respond
Remember, "difficult" is an interpretation you make. My personal input filters are often triggered by the interpretation I make of the other person's behavior plus my feelings about that interpretation. One way to change how I respond is to hold off my interpretation until I get some more data. For example, I might say, "Mike, I thought I read in your status report that you would finish the design changes by today. The changes do not seem to be finished. I'm not sure how to interpret that. What am I missing?"
This response is very different from assuming that Mike is trying to make my life difficult and writing him off as unreliable. Besides, he might have a perfectly reasonable explanation.
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